


today we say goodbye (so you can come back home again)

by ANNECY



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Unplanned Pregnancy, Wedding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 21:57:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20478122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANNECY/pseuds/ANNECY
Summary: “Lou, hey, Louis. Look at me, hey. I adore you, I do,” Harry whispered, tugging Louis down to make him sit down. Louis bit his tongue, blinking at Harry, surprised at his words.“What?”“Just thought I’d tell you. You seemed to need to hear that. But, I do, okay? I do adore you very much.” Harry smiled, kissing the corner of his mouth, his nose and his cheeks. Louis smiled, blushing.*or, Louis and Harry fight and Eleanor gets pregnant





	today we say goodbye (so you can come back home again)

**Author's Note:**

> there is going to be a part two.

Louis wasn’t sure what had woken him up, but when he’d blinked his eyes open and found the room dark, he registered the rain pouring against the windows. He groaned, his head was pounding and his mouth tasted like something had crawled inside and died. Something warm and solid rested against his side and on his chest, long dark hair tickling his chin.

A small hand with long, manicured fingers was resting on his bladder, which gave a weak spasm when he remembered he’d drunken _a lot_ the night before. Every memory felt hazy and blurred, far away. He remembered dancing with Eleanor, laughing with Stan and calling Harry with loud yells and cursing.

The body next to him moved, sighing and moving away from him, leaving him cold and guilty. He sat up slowly, closing his eyes to the blinding pain in his head, before throwing the duvet off of him and standing up. It wasn’t until then that he found himself butt naked and aching. He turned to the bed, almost throwing up when Eleanor was just as naked and covered in love bites and bruises.

“Fuck.”

Before he could even think about what he was doing, he grabbed whatever of his clothes he could find and ran.

*  
  
Louis hated winter. He hated how it would freeze at night and how whenever it rained everything would be all icy. Hated how his apartment would make them chilled to the bone when they’d have to get ready for their first class. He did love how he could cuddle up at Harry’s side though, when he’d come back from class. Or when they could have a lie in.

Waking up next to Harry right now made Louis almost sad, because the bedroom was cold outside of the duvet. His first class was starting at nine and the clock showed him it was already eight. He kissed Harry’s cheek before getting up. He padded into the bathroom, relieved himself and took a quick shower. Walking back into the bedroom, naked and drying his hair, he watched Harry wake up slowly.

“Hi, good morning,” Louis whispered, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Harry smiled up at him, reaching up at him to kiss him. Louis wrinkled his nose, before pecking his lips quickly.

“Hey,” Harry beamed back, laying back down and dragging Louis with him.

“I have to get ready H, I have a lecture in less than an hour,” Louis laughed, struggling to get back up. Harry whined low in his throat. The cold air from their bedroom sent shivers up Louis’ spine.

“Just five more minutes, please?”

Louis rolled his eyes, but shook his head and getting up from the bed. “Sorry love. We can meet up for lunch?” He pulled on one of his button-ups. He picked up a black boxer from one of the open drawers. 

Harry closed his eyes and groaned. “Can’t. Lecture from twelve to five. Dinner?”

Louis turned to the mirror, buttoning up his shirt and fixing his hair. He rolled up his sleeves halfway up his arms, is eyes getting caught on one of his tattoo’s on his wrist. He swallowed and looked at Harry through the mirror. “Dinner should be fine. I’ll meet you after you last class then?”

Harry sat up, the sheets pooling around his waist. The swallows on his chest rising in time with his steady breathing. He looked beautiful like this, all sleep soft and warm. Curls falling around his face, because he hadn’t been to the hairdresser in months. He looked a bit ridiculous. Louis slid into a pair of boxers and beige chino’s.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Hey, Lou, are you okay though?”

Louis shrugged, turning to meet his eye and he nodded. Guilt pooled low in his stomach, making him anxious. His hands started shaking. “I’m good, yeah. You?”

“That’s not – You keep looking at your tattoo, the quotation marks. What’s up with that?” Harry asked with narrowed eyes. Louis shrugged again, sitting down again. He slipped on his worn vans and turned to Harry. He remembered getting the quotation marks the day after Stan’s birthday, right before coming back home and making up with Harry. The younger man had kissed his wrist lovingly, telling him how much he adored him. Louis had smiled shyly, ignoring the guilt crawling up his throat.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine. I’ll meet you for dinner at five, okay?” Louis dismissed Harry’s question with a kiss. Harry let out a soft breath, gripping Louis’ wrist. He thumbed over the quotation marks and Louis’ breath hitched. He tried to get his wrist free, but Harry didn’t budge.

“Lou, hey, Louis. Look at me, hey. I adore you, I do,” Harry whispered, tugging Louis down to make him sit down. Louis bit his tongue, blinking at Harry, surprised at his words.

“What?”

“Just thought I’d tell you. You seemed to need to hear that. But, I do, okay? I do adore you very much.” Harry smiled, kissing the corner of his mouth, his nose and his cheeks. Louis smiled, blushing.

“I guess I did, didn’t hear you say it for a while. Love you though. And, I really need to get going. I’ll see you at five, okay?”

“All right. I love you too, though. Be safe, okay?”

Louis nodded, heading out the door. Tears prickling in his eyes.

*  
  
“Jesus, this day can’t get any worse,” Zayn complained, whining, when he sat down opposite of Louis. Louis laughed at that, pushing away his text book about performance. Zayn let his head drop down on the small table with a thud. Louis gently pulled away his English notes and ran his fingers through Zayn’s hair.

“Where’s Gigi?” Louis asked, handing over his tea without complaint. Zayn blinked at him slowly, taking the cup and sipping it slowly.

“She’s back in Bradford, shopping with my mum. Lou, I got a D on my art project, a _D_.”

Louis snickered, making grabby hands at his cup of tea. Zayn pouted, putting on his best “please let me have your tea because I had a bad day-face”. Louis didn’t buy it and clicked his tongue, holding out his hand.

“Thank you,” Louis smiled happily when Zayn pushed the cup towards him with a sad smile. Louis blinked, taking a sip from his tea.

He watched Zayn get up from the table and walking over to get himself his own cup of tea. Louis shook his head, smiling, while picking up his last-read notes. He frowned reading them, his head swirling with all the information he was supposed to know by now.

His phone vibrated on the table the second Zayn sat down. His hand shot out to pick it up and Louis rolled his eyes. “Who’s that?”

“It’s El I think. I thought you two weren’t really talking anymore, since Stan’s birthday?” Zayn asked, opening the text. His eyes went wide and Louis frowned.

“What? Zayn, what does it say?”

Zayn didn’t respond, just handed him the phone and let out a deep breath. Louis raised his perfect eyebrows in confusion and averted his eyes to the screen. 

_I’m pregnant_

Louis blinked at his phone. What? He made himself move his fingers over the screen, typing out a message. He looked up at Zayn with wild eyes when he hit sent.

_Congratulations … who’s the lucky guy ?_  
  
“She isn’t answering,” he whispered slowly to Zayn.

“What did you say?”

“Told her congrats and asked who’s it is.”

“Jesus,” Zayn breathed out. Louis nodded at that, running his hand through his hair. The phone stayed deadly silent for another minute, before vibrating again.

It had taken a full two minutes for Eleanor to reply. Her status changed three times from “online” to “typing” in that time and well. Louis did not expect her answer to be this short. Or this shocking.

_You_

He actually stopped breathing for a few seconds, before choking on his own spit. Holy fucking _fuck_. This could not be happening. She had to be joking. Louis tried to steady his breathing, deep and calming breaths. His vision blurred and changed colours and the world started spinning. Turning on his axes, even the trees and well.

“Louis? Lou!” He heard Zayn, he just couldn’t focus. His vision kept blurring over, black flashes and white spots making him nauseous. He felt hands on his arms and his hand and his face. Something cold touched his forehead, burning up as soon as it touched his overheated skin.

“It’s mine,” Louis blurted out, before feeling himself fall. Fall and fall but never hitting anything. He just slipped away, like he stopped existing.

*  
  
Blinking his eyes open against the bright sunlight streaming into his small room hurt his head. He let out a low whine and slowly sat up to look around the room. Everything was just like he’d left it that morning, his clothes thrown about, vans laying around and something purple caught his eye. He gulped, it was Harry’s hoodie, hanging of his chair.

Suddenly he remembered what happened. He blinked rapidly against the sudden unease in his stomach. His breathing sped up, his heart beating much too fast. Choking on air, he reached for the glass of water on his nightstand. His phone was lighting up with different texts and probably a few missed calls.

When he trusted himself to stand up, he took the two pills that lay next to the glass of water, gulping them down. He slowly, without looking around his room again, walked over to the open door. He could see Zayn sitting in the kitchen, scrolling through his phone. Louis shuffled through the hallway, into the kitchen. The first thing he did was starting up the kettle to make tea. He purposefully ignored the fact that Zayn was definitely staring at him. There was nothing to talk about. Right?

“So, are you going to tell me what the fuck that was?”

Okay, so maybe they did have to talk about it. Louis bit his lip, concentrating on pouring water into two mugs of tea. He put a teabag in each of the mugs and sat them both carefully on the kitchen table. Zayn kept looking at him and Louis tried to look at everything but Zayn.

“I don’t know.” It seemed the safest answer and Louis knew this was just buying time. Zayn stayed silent and only raised one perfectly arched eyebrow. Louis felt his façade crumbling and well. He’d never been the best of liars when it came to Zayn.

“Bullshit. Tell me Lou, I want to help,” Zayn said slowly, motioning for Louis to sit down. Louis set down both the mugs of tea, gently pushing the one for Zayn towards him. Zayn silently watched his best friend, blinking.  
  
With quiet words and tear-filled eyes, Louis told Zayn what had happened. He told Zayn about his fight with Harry the day before Stan’s birthday and how Harry had yelled at him when he’d literally begged for him to come with Louis to Doncaster. Louis had left for Doncaster alone and went to Stan’s birthday party the next night already tipsy enough to forget to congratulate his best friend.

“I was upset, okay?” Louis snapped when Zayn shook his head, taking a sip from his cooling tea. Louis breathed out a sigh and closed his eyes. “I bumped into El after my sixth shot and well, we got talking and I’d missed her a lot, y’know? It was good talking to her.  
  
“We danced a bit, got wrapped up into a game of never have I ever and we both were fucked up pretty badly. I remember tugging her up the stairs to one of the guestrooms and crying. I even called Harry to scream at him. We had another fight and I hung up on him. El comforted me I guess? I don’t know what happened after. I just – I was _so_ angry and hurt.”  
  
Zayn pressed his lips together, motioning for Louis to go on. Louis hiccupped and took a long sip from his tea. He sniffed loudly.  
  
“I only remember waking up the next morning with the most awful headache and sore muscles and we were both naked. I just grabbed as much of my clothes as I could find and ran.”

“I don’t get it Lou, seriously. I didn’t think you’d sink so low. You have to tell him,” Zayn said, picking up both their empty mugs and bringing them over to the sink. Louis kept staring at the table, willing his tears to just stop. His breath was uneven, he felt numb.  
  
“Don’t you think I know that?” Louis snapped, pushing the guilt back. He knew he made a big fucking mistake, but Zayn was his best friend. Not Harry’s. Well, Harry’s too but Zayn should be having his back, helping him. Not stating the obvious.

Zayn let out a soft breath. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry. It’s shit, I know. But tell him. I don’t want you two to like. Fall out or whatever. You two need each other more than you think. It’s just – If you tell him now, maybe he’ll like. Understand maybe. You owe him the truth Lou,” he said, getting up from his seat and pulling Louis up against his chest.

Louis let himself melt against his best friend, crying into his shoulder. “I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he whispered defeated. Zayn just kept quiet and shushed him. Somewhere in his room, Louis’ phone was ringing and it didn’t occur to Louis that it might be Harry trying to reach him.

“Didn’t you and Harry have a date tonight?” Zayn asked after a while, pulling away from Louis for a bit. Louis blinked, dazed, before nodding and flying to his room, to get his phone. He had at least ten missed calls from Harry, two from Eleanor and fifteen text messages of Harry asking him where he was and if he was okay.  
  
“I need to go,” Louis said, looking at Zayn, who raised one perfectly arched eyebrow.  
  
“Go. Go and tell him Lou, or I will.”  
  
“I – Yeah, I will. Promise. Thank you, for like –”  
  
“Go, now,” Zayn interrupted him, pushing him out the door.  
  
*  
  
Running towards the underground station, Louis called Harry, telling him he had fallen asleep after class and that he was on his way now. Harry had laughed and promised to wait for him. Louis felt his stomach drop and told Harry he loved him.   
  
*  
  
“Do you want me to come back to yours?” Harry asked after they walked out into the cold January air, eyes wide and clear. Louis smiled, but guilt was eating away at him. He’d promised Zayn to call Eleanor and he hadn’t yet. He couldn’t either when he was with Harry.   
  
“I’d rather go back alone, sorry.” Louis ducked his head, not looking at Harry, he was staring back at him in confusion. He hated himself for making the conscious decision to hurt Harry, but he didn’t know what else to do. He could practically feel Harry’s confusion. Not once in their three years of dating had Louis declined an offer of Harry spending the night.  
  
“Are you okay though? Hey,” he said, gripping Louis’ wrist, tilting his chin up, “remember what I told you this morning? I still adore you. I love you Lou, don’t forget, okay?”

Louis clenched his jaw. Fuck. Harry loved him, he knew that. He’d known that for over a year, because that’s what Harry had been telling him. It wasn’t fair to lie to the younger man, but Louis didn’t even know what to do himself.  
  
“Yeah, I know, whatever. I’ll see you later,” Louis bit out, hating the way he sounded so cruel. He could see Harry’s soft expression fade. There were worried lines appearing on his forehead, his green eyes clouding over with confusion. Louis wanted to punch himself. He clenched his hands, short nails digging into his skin.  
  
“What’s going on Lou? Why are you being like that? I thought -”  
  
“Well, clearly you thought wrong. I need to be alone Harry. Just leave me alone.” Louis stepped back then, breaking all physical contact and Harry looked positively hurt at that. Still, his eyes didn’t leave Louis’ for a second and shit. Louis knew how to shield himself off, but why was Harry making it so difficult for him? Harry had broken down so many walls, walls that Louis was trying to rapidly build back up.  
  
“Louis, don’t be like that. I believe we talked about this, I thought you said we were past this stupid thing you have going on,” Harry said slowly, eyeing his older boyfriend with caution. Louis felt like wild animal. He was grasping at every last thing he could think of. Flashes of guilt made him trip backwards, remembering how Tobey did the same to him.  
  
“Oh, my stupid thing, is it? Well, we were never past this,” Louis made some grant gesture and Harry stepped back, “it was all just pretend Harry. I don’t love you, I never have. Never will actually. It was just a stupid game.” _A stupid game you played into perfectly well, Lou,_ Tobey said before turning away and leaving Louis behind. Louis shook his head at the memory, recoiling from the flashes of hurt. Before Harry, Louis had never been with someone so loving, so caring about how he felt. Ever. His boyfriend before Harry had broken him in sa many pieces it was a miracle Harry could even get close to Louis.  
  
Harry frowned deeper, confusion replaced by hurt and hints of anger. “No, fuck you. A game you played for almost three years? I call bullshit Louis. Bull-fucking-shit.”

Harry had known, from the first time they talked. Louis had introduced himself after bumping into Harry and spilling his coffee all over his expensive looking coat. Harry had just smiled and told Louis not to worry, it was just a coat that could be washed. After that, when they’d situated themselves inside a small bakery, Louis had blurted out that his ex-boyfriend had been a huge dick that loved to play games and broke his heart. Harry hadn’t even blinked and a month later asked Louis out on a date. They’d been together ever since.  
  
“Whatever darling. I’m going to head back. Oh, by the way, there were others. I’ve been hooking up with Eleanor for months. All those weekends spent in Donny? Yeah, I was with El. Sorry you weren’t interesting enough,” Louis said with a shrug, hoping Harry wouldn’t see through him. His heart was beating a mile a minute and a lump was forming in his throat. Maybe if he hurt Harry enough now, he wouldn’t want to deal with Louis and his mess anymore. It’d the best for both of them. A clean cut.

“You’re kidding, right? Louis, please,” Harry whispered, almost pleading. Louis blinked, cold and hard. He wrinkled his nose and shook his head, before turning around. Doing to Harry what Tobey had done to him was breaking his heart, not only Harry’s but Louis’ as well.  
  
“I’ll see you around, Harry.”  
  
“Are we breaking up then?” Harry yelled after him, he sounded frantic and close to tears.  
  
“I guess we are,” Louis whispered to himself, tears slowly sliding over his cheeks. He was not going to look back at his now ex-boyfriend. He wouldn’t.  
  
“Louis!” Harry’s voice sounded distant already, like he was drowning, but Louis didn’t stop walking. Instead, as soon as he rounded a corner and knew Harry couldn’t see him anymore, he broke off into a sprint. Running all the way back to his shared apartment with Zayn and Liam.

*  
  
With shaking hands and tears streaming down his cheeks, he called Eleanor. Her voice sounded distant for a bit, before Louis blinked rapidly and breathed in deeply.  
  
“Hi El,” he whispered, willing himself to finally stop crying. Zayn had caught him before he could run off to his room, but let him go when he saw the gut wrenching pain on Louis’ face. Louis honestly hadn’t known his heart could hurt this much, even after he’d gotten if broken as bad before. Breaking your own heart to safe someone else’s hurt so much more.

“Lou,” she breathed into the phone, “I am so, so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Louis pressed out, shaking his head furiously. “It wasn’t you fault, was it? You can’t get yourself pregnant. Fuck.” He pressed the heel of his left hand to his eye, trying to press back the tears.  
  
“Lou, please. It is just as much my fault as it is yours. I just – How did Harry take it? The news.”  
  
“He didn’t. I didn’t tell him,” Louis told her truthfully. “I just kind of broke up with him. I thought it was better than telling him the truth.”  
  
Eleanor let out a laugh, short and humourless. “You’re stupid sometimes, did you know?”  
  
“Yeah well, maybe I watched Twilight a tad too much. I thought if like. If I hurt him enough to hate me, it would be easier for him to get over it. God. I told him exactly what Tobey told me back then,” Louis whispered, fresh tears welling up again. He felt weak with how much he missed Harry. He felt weak with how much Tobey still affected him, after all those years.  
  
“Oh, Lou, please tell me you didn’t. You told him what happened with Tobey right? Why would you do that to him? He loves you so much,” Eleanor pleaded, sounding worried for him. Worried about him. Louis let out a sob. He remembered Eleanor being there, day after day after day to try and get him to eat, drink and shower. He’d stayed in bed for weeks, but finally decided that packing up and moving was his best chance of getting over it. He left his mum and sisters back in Doncaster while Eleanor moved to Manchester.  
  
“I panicked, okay? I panicked and I do stupid shit when I panic.”  
  
Eleanor stayed silent on the other end of the phone. Louis hated how everything came back to him in the end. It was always his fault, the reason Tobey broke up with him, the reason Eleanor was now pregnant. He was the one breaking up with Harry and not explaining. He was so tired of doing everything wrong.

“You should tell him why,” Eleanor said after a while, she sounded tired. Louis swallowed quietly. He wanted to blame Harry for this, the whole reason he even ended up with Eleanor that night was because Harry didn’t want to come. Because Harry thought staying at home and spending the weekend doing research for his part time job was more important than going home with Louis, when he knew going back there was already hard enough. They fought for hours, until Louis just decided to go back alone and telling Stan he’d be staying at his place for the weekend.

“I don’t want to. This is for the best. Now enough about me, how are you? Is there - There’s no chance of me not being the father?” Louis asked in a whisper. Eleanor let out a laugh.

“There’s no way, I haven’t been with anyone but you. Never anyone but you, Lou.”

“Never?” Louis choked out. He thought about his first time with Eleanor. They’d both been young and reckless and a little bit drunk. They’d been together for a year and Louis still believed Eleanor was the one for him. Then Tobey came along and well, that didn’t end like it should have. Tobey was all sweet and loving but turned out to be an arse in the end. He met Harry at Uni and before he knew it, him and Harry were a package deal. He trusted Harry enough to tell him about Tobey and Harry helped him so much that the thought of Tobey wasn’t so scary anymore. Harry had done everything he could to never treat Louis like Tobey had.

“It just never happened. Meaning, there’s no way it’s not yours, the doctor said I’m already fifteen weeks. I’m sorry, Lou.”  
  
“Fifteen weeks,” Louis sid quietly, doing the math in his head. It checked out, San’s birthday was in October and it was already half January right now. He took a deep breath. “I’ll drive up to Donny next weekend, alright? We can talk then, think about what we’re going to do,” Louis whispered, raking his free hand through his hair. Eleanor made an approving sound.

“Come up to Manchester though, ‘m not home, haven’t even told my mum yet.”

“Right, yeah. I’ll meet up with you Saturday then. El, I’m sorry.”  
  
“Shut up Lou,” she said fondly, laughing. “It’s not only your fault. It’s our fault and we have to think about this before deciding whatever. I still love you, y’know.”  
  
“I’ll see you soon, promise,” Louis said honestly, blinking and laying back down on his bed. Eleanor laughed and promised to keep him updated before hanging up on him. Louis threw his phone on the bed next to him and listened to the front door of their apartment opening and closing. Hushed voices carried through the hallway.

He could hear Zayn talk to Liam and wondered if his best friend had told anyone about what was going on. Louis pushed himself up from his bed and walked into the empty hallway. Liam’s voice sounded further away than Zayn’s and Louis slowly walked into the kitchen, finding Zayn with two bottles of water in hand. He let out a quiet cough.

“Hey Lou. How’d it go?” Zayn asked, walking towards the living area of their apartment. Liam waved at Louis and smiled. Louis pressed his lips together, blinking and waving back.  
  
“Hey, weren’t you supposed to be on a date tonight? Harry was really excited, said he was going to ask you to – ”  
  
“I broke up with him. We’re not together anymore,” Louis said shortly, sitting down on their couch and curling himself into a small as possible lump. He wanted to disappear. Liam sat down next to him, staring with wide eyes.  
  
“What? I thought you two were doing so well?”

Liam sounded positively confused and Louis could feel Zayn staring at him. “It just wasn’t working anymore. Thought it’d be best if I broke up with him before we could get any more serious.”

Zayn scoffed lowly. “You were pretty damn serious Louis. You told him the truth right?”

Louis snarled at him, Liam was staring between the two best friends with worry. Zayn sat down on one of the beanbag they’d bought before there was the couch. Liam seemed to feel the tension and shifted uncomfortably. Louis lifted his chin, clenching his jaw.  
  
“I broke up with him because I wasn’t in love. Told him I never was in love with him. I said it was all just a game, to see how long I could last.”  
  
“What?” Liam breathed out, blinking. Zayn narrowed his eyes at Louis.  


“You can’t be serious.”  
  
“I am,” Louis confirmed, straightening his back and tensing his shoulders. “I thought it was better to hurt him so he could hate me, than to tell him I made a huge mistake he would never forgive me for. Making him hate me now, will make it easier for him to get over this.”  
  
Liam choked out a weird sound, getting up and leaving their apartment. Zayn was on his feet in an instant. “You really bloody stupid Lou. Fuck. _Liam_!” Zayn ran after Liam, trying to catch up to him before he’d get to Harry. Louis just stayed put, slumping backwards and ignoring the weird thrumming in his veins telling him to run away from all of this.

#

With two days of radio silence, Louis finally worked up the nerve to turn on his phone again. He’d been staying in his room for two days straight, only leaving to use the bathroom and get a bottle of water. He had told Eleanor he wouldn’t be answering his phone and turned it off.

Zayn had tried to talk to him after he came back from Liam, he tried to tell Louis how much he’d hurt Harry. That the younger man was actually crying over him, but Louis just kept quiet and pretended not to hear Zayn’s pleads to come out of his room and talk. He couldn’t.

There were just two missed calls from Eleanor, and three texts from Harry. They all said the same thing. Asking Louis to call him, explain to him where they went wrong. Louis closed his eyes, almost begging for tears to come, but his eyes stayed dry and clear.

Not even two minutes later, as if Harry could hear Louis turning on his phone, his name flashed across the screen. Louis swallowed dry, flinging his phone away from him. His ringtone kept blaring at him, taunting him. Harry was calling him and Louis wanted to pick up and tell him the truth, wanted to explain and beg Harry to take him back. His heart was screaming at him to pick up the phone, but he couldn’t move. He kept staring at the device in horror, until it stopped.

The silence in the room was too loud, too familiar and hurting. Louis breathed out a harsh breath and jumped up from his bed when he received a new text. New voicemail.

Louis picked up the phone, unlocking the screen and called back the number from his voicemail. His heart was jumping wildly in his chest, fingers twitching and his whole body vibrating with anxiety.

“Louis, I – I sent you texts. Liam told me you made a mistake, he didn’t – What did he mean? Were you. I don’t know what happened Lou, why did you walk away? What did I do wrong, did I do something wrong? I don’t – I wish you would talk to me. I love you. Will you call me back or meet me tomorrow for lunch? I just want to talk, I won’t be mad, I just – I want to understand. Please. Call me back, please. I lo-”

With a soft click, the message ended and Louis let out a dry sob. He still wasn’t crying and he hated himself more than ever. 

#

“Look who came out of hiding,” Zayn said, a small smile on his face. His eyes worried, dark circles prominent. Louis blushed a bit, curling up on their small sofa with his head low. Zayn didn’t say anything, just got up and walked into the kitchen. Louis could hear the kettle and the way his footsteps echoed through the apartment.

“Here,” Zayn said, handing Louis a steaming mug of Yorkshire. Louis whispered a quiet ‘thank you’ and Zayn sat down next to him. The silence around them was tense and louder than sitting a crowded bar. Louis nibbled on his lower lip, looking at Zayn from the corner of his eye.

“Do you have any idea how much you hurt him?” Zayn asked after setting down his own mug of coffee. Louis didn’t answer. He could guess he hurt Harry a lot. With not explaining what was going on, but he kind of did the right thing. Right? From where he was standing, there was no way Harry would still want to be with him after he told him he got Eleanor pregnant. Harry was supposed to hate him now, not trying to get him to talk.

“I guess I do,” Louis said quietly, “I thought I was protecting him.”

Zayn let out a soft sigh, his eyes worried when they met Louis’. “Oh, Lou. I get that, I do, but – You hurt him a lot. And I know you shut everybody out when it gets hard, but. I thought you were over that. I really believed Harry made that better. What changed?”

“I don’t know, okay? It’s like second nature now, shutting everyone out. It’s better that way, easier,” Louis said, blinking at Zayn with slumping shoulders. “It’s better this way, though. He won’t ever know about El or the baby and – It’s not like we’re going to see each other after all this. He won’t ever find out.”

“Lou –”

“I mean it Z. You’re not telling him. Neither is Liam.”

“Lou, you know it’s going to come out eventually. I’ve already told Liam and well, you know, if Niall ever finds out, he’ll tell Harry. There’s no way he’s never going to find out.”

“Well, fuck you too. I made a choice. I choose not to tell him and neither will any of you. It’s not like I’ll ever talk to him again,” Louis said calmly, sipping his tea gently.

“Harry doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t.”

“D’you think I don’t know that?” Louis snapped harshly, putting his mug down next to him. Zayn narrowed his eyes, turning a bit, so he could face his best friend properly. Louis looked wild, anxious. He seemed tense and ready to flee. “He deserves the fucking world, but I can’t give him that. I’ll only bring him trouble.”

“I didn’t mean it like that but. Lou, he was going to propose that night. He was going to ask you if he could come home with you and walk you along the Thames. We all helped him prepare and – He was supposed to come home all happy and you should’ve been with him,” Zayn explained with worry in his voice. Louis stared at him, tears finally prickling in his too dry eyes. Harry was going to ask him to marry him.

“Doesn’t matter,” Louis croaked out, tears slowly travelling down his cheeks. “He wouldn’t want to marry me anymore after I’d have told him what happened with Eleanor.”

Zayn frowned, pulling Louis in for a hug and shushed him gently when he started shaking with how hard he was crying. After two days, he’d finally broken down.

#

**we can stare at the parts of our shared and broken parts (or we put them back together)**

Three months since Louis had been to London.

He bought a new phone and asked for a new phone number and gave it only to his mum, Dan, sisters and El. His old phone did he keep turned off and left it laying in the darkest corner of his room he could find.

He spent most of his days with Eleanor, driving down to Manchester with her, going back to Donny for the weekend and then spending days with his family. The almost six month old baby boy growing inside of Eleanor was doing really well. Growing his fingers and toes, his lungs, heart and other organs working all as well as they could.

After three months of not doing anything but spending time with El and trying to keep up with online lectures and submitting papers, she finally convinced him to go back to London, tell his best friends what the hell was going on and he caved after two weeks of her whining.

“Fine, I’ll go back. Geez, I’m getting tired of you anyway,” he’d joked and Eleanor had laughed, before kissing his cheek. Her belly was huge already and she was always tired or hurting.

“You’ll thank me later.”

When he turned on the phone again, the night before going back to London, there over a hundred e-mails, twenty missed calls from Stan and Hannah, but none from Niall or Liam, Zayn or Harry.

He had more than enough messages saying he had several voicemails, which were already deleted because he hadn't listened to them sooner. He did have one text message from Niall though.

_hey mate, just wondering when youre gonna be back in london, give me a call so we can meet up before uni starts up, k? need to tell you something Love you man xx_


End file.
